My goal after graduating college was to be like everyone else; appear to have my life together. It wasn’t until after college that I realized nobody in their 20s has anything together.
I used to tell myself that if I got a cool job then everything else would fall into place. I have a cool job now. Or, at least a job that I enjoy on most days. And yet, the last year of my life has been a shambly mess. It seemed like the more I succeeded in my professional life the more my personal life fell apart.
Of course, those two pieces of me aren’t necessarily always related, nor do they have to be. And I suspect that I threw myself into my work life because I felt so hallow and empty in my personal life.
It’s funny. A year ago I would have shamed myself for the next thing I’m about to say, which just goes to show how much I’ve changed. All of this restlessness started with a boy.
Gross, right? I have never been the girl to let a guy get the best of her. I let my guard down for a minute and let one in. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with letting a guy in, either. Sometimes it comes with wonderful results. I just made the mistake of letting a bad one in. A really bad one. I knew from the moment I met him that I was going to get crushed. And I let myself fall anyway. And when he decided I couldn’t live in his world, well, I unraveled.
I stopped sleeping. I stopped eating. I started drinking too much. I lashed out at friends and family. And worst, I stopped writing.
It took me a long time to snap out of whatever spell I was under. And I’m strong enough now to admit that I still have bad days. Slowly, though, I’m making my way back. There’s so much to my story, but for now I’ll just say that asking for help is never a sign of weakness. And so, I found some help and tried to focus on how to be me again. Continue reading